Review of “The Book of Joy “ 2.27.23

One of my book clubs recently decided to read “The Book of Joy – Lasting Happiness In A Changing World.” Written by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, the book attempts to answer the question: How do we find joy in the face of life’s inevitable suffering? After identifying many obstacles to joy, including fear, stress, anger, grief, illness and death, the authors make the argument that the ultimate source of joy is within each of us. What do the authors mean by this?

One could mistakenly interpret their statement that we should focus on ourselves to create happiness and joy. They make it very clear that paradoxically, if one pursues happiness and joy, one will not achieve it. To achieve joy, one must focus on others. And indeed, this is a paradox.

To help understand this paradox I am reminded of another paradox pointed out in a book I read many years ago – which I continue to go to when I am searching for wisdom.  In his book “The Road Less Traveled,” Scott Peck states that “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult.  Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” I have come to realize that life, like many religious teachings, is full of paradoxes.

So how do we accept that life is difficult? We must first change our perspective. And “Perspective” is one of the “Eight pillars of joy” that both the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu identify. And those eight pillars of joy must come from internal change. And that is what they specifically mean when they state that “the ultimate source of joy is within each of us.”

So, joy is truly a state of mind, no matter your circumstances. Two quick personal stories highlight this. My wife Elizabeth twice visited Haiti – both before and after the dramatic earthquake of 2010 – the most devastating earthquake in over 200 years. After both trips she commented on the joy the Haitians exhibited were even though they suffered much.

The second story involves a friend and past neighbor who manages money for very wealthy people, mostly recipients of trust funds.  While having a beer in our back yard, we somehow landed on the subject of gratitude. During the discussion, he remarked that as a group, his trust fund clients were the most miserable and unhappy people he has ever been around.

So, external factors do not create joy. Some would even argue that you must suffer to experience true joy. Because only then can you have gratitude. And gratitude, as pointed out in the book, is another pillar of joy.

So, what are the eight pillars of joy?  Like a food recipe with different ingredients, some of those ingredients are more important than others.  And each of us may prefer more or less of a certain ingredient.  When discussing this issue in our book club, we all agreed that each of us may need to focus on different pillars, but we all agreed that all eight pillars have value.

Compassion – Compassion may be defined as having concern for others and the desire to relieve others’ suffering.  Like many of these pillars, there is an emphasis on others, and not on oneself. So, developing compassion helps us find joy.  The authors use the term “helper’s high” to define the positive feeling one gets from developing compassion.

Generosity – the authors admit that this pillar could be an outgrowth of compassion. Compassion without generosity is just passing time. And generosity without compassion lacks direction.  Generosity gives one a sense of purpose. And we all know the importance of a purpose driven life. The authors suggest that there are three types of generosity – the gift of material things, the gift of freeing others from fear, and the gift of promoting growth and self-sufficiency in others. Scott Peck would define the second two types of generosity as “True Friendship.”

Gratitude – Gratitude is the ability to reframe your circumstances. You do so by focusing on the positive. And it is truly a state of mind. Unfortunately, it takes some suffering to truly appreciate the times when you are not suffering. So, another paradox is that suffering can create joy. All of us will trek through times of wilderness.  The wilderness itself is not good or bad. It is how we navigate the wilderness that shapes us. Unfortunately, not all who suffer can experience joy.

Acceptance – many people have trouble with this one – accepting reality, accepting that others have valid perspectives, and accepting yourself and others as they are.  This does not mean that you do not work to promote the personal growth of yourself or others. But is does mean that you do not judge. Accept that you are human.

Humor – This must be the right kind of humor. Self-deprecating humor is best. Cynical humor is poison. The ability to laugh at oneself and at circumstances creates common ground with others and makes you more relatable and approachable, helping to build personal relationships. And the book talks about being in relationship and personal connection a great deal.

Humility – This is the realization that we cannot control or solve all aspects of life – that we need others. This is related to interdependency. Many recent books have been written on the need for social connection and interdependency.  The authors would argue that this is impossible without true humility. And this requires getting rid of insecurities. Many emotionally damaged people struggle with insecurity and find it difficult to celebrate others’ gifts and accomplishments.

Perspective – We do not know all truths. As a result, we need to take the effort to understand others’ views and perspectives. By doing so, we expand our understanding of the world around us. I have heard that the greatest benefit to traveling the world and experiencing other cultures is that is expands our perspective.  Scott Peck states this a little differently. He would say that changing one’s world view or “world map” takes courage.  He states that changing one’s world view creates a wider perspective, thus leading to personal growth and more joy.

Forgiveness – Both authors emphasize that forgiving is not forgetting. And that forgiving is not giving permission.  It is about letting go of the negative emotions that come with hate and anger. And that only comes with understanding the humanity in everyone, even those who have hurt us.

So, in summary, if you practice on the eight pillars identified in the book you too can have more joy in your life. I wish each of you much joy.