Letter to James – First Soccer Match 9.15.26
James,
I am sorry that it has been five months since I wrote one of these letters to you. Time does fly by. This may be a microcosm of our time with you and Elizabeth – your childhoods will fly past us. There is so much I want to write about – and recently I have been doing more writing for my blog than anything else. And when I write, I am trying to use stories to illustrate an epiphany or uncover some type of universal truth, if there are such truths.
Speaking of truths, Alan Arkin, who passed away recently, put it bluntly, “There are only two truths. There will always be change, and you can never use too much Garlic.” I love that quote. I do not think his statement should be taken literally – just like certain statements in the New Testament. There is context. The context of that statement is that while growing up and throughout most of his adulthood, he thought he had found certain truths through various philosophies and religious traditions. And when he had found these truths, he would be very devout and opinionated about them. And he would wear these newfound truths like a suit of moral righteousness. By wearing this suit for all to see, he was somehow more enlightened, and more progressive than others – maybe even morally superior to others. But he would inevitably find holes in each suit and would go on to the next suit – until he realized that he needed to stop searching for the perfect suit and stop being so morally righteous. So, his quote is a funny and self-deprecating way of saying, “Stop being so sure of yourself and stop being so darned judgmental.” That said, he is not saying throw away your worldview and your belief system. He is just saying that if confronted with evidence to the contrary, be willing to adjust your belief system. I also agree with both of Arkin’s truths, especially the latter.
James, sorry for the digression, but this gets me back to the point I was trying to make – my writing is an attempt to clarify for myself some of life’s paradoxes. And that is why I write to you – to maybe pass along some of these life lessons that I wish I had learned earlier in my own life. As David Brooks states, life is about how to find “a workable balance between the inevitable tensions of life.” This includes the tension between autonomy and belonging, between freedom (liberty) and order, between diversity and cohesion, safety and exploration, tenderness and strength, and intellect and passion.
Two other tensions in life include perspective and sport – how we see things and how others see things and winning and playing. And this takes me to the reason I am writing this letter to you. Your first soccer match on Saturday has given me chance to reflect on your moral formation and my own moral formation.
We were invited by your dad to attend your first soccer match and to spend the night at your house the evening before. AS we headed to your house from the Farm on Friday afternoon, we passed a hole-in-the-wall diner just off route 250 near Zions Crossroads that we have passed hundreds of times. In the past, we never really paid it any attention. It sits at an intersection that has other older buildings and so, it does not stand out. It kind of blends in – like a tree in a forest. But for some reason, on this day I mused to your grandmother, “I wonder what it is like inside of that place?” Your Gizzy replied, “it must be bad. Just look at the curtains. It looks like they have not been changed or cleaned in years.” Curious, I looked the establishment on the internet. It got great reviews! Two takeaways – Although the food is basic, it is good. Although the service is slow, the wait staff is very friendly. One review said, “If you want the feel of an old-fashioned diner, this is the place.” We decided that we would eventually give it a try.
Because your dad was opening the gym at his school for basketball practice the next morning and your mom did not get home from work until 3 a.m., your dad thought it would be a great idea if we took you and Elizabeth out for breakfast. Voila! There it was – the perfect opportunity to try this new place out. And that is how we ended up at Crescent Inn Restaurant off route 250 for breakfast the morning of your first soccer match. And yes, it was a throwback. Yes, the service was slow. But our waitress was so sweet. And although basic, the food was good. You and your sister loved the HUGE blueberry pancakes. And I ordered a rib-eye steak and eggs – for $15.99! To keep you and your sister busy, they gave us crayons and a sheet of paper with a pumpkin on it for you to color. You and your sister were so good. And we had so much fun. The steak reminded me and Gizzy of how my mom used to cook her steaks – lots of butter, salt and pepper. It is amazing what you can do with a meat with enough seasonings.
Later that morning, we headed to the fields for your first soccer match. It ended up being a very short practice/warmup followed by a scrimmage with your teammates. I think there were either 5 or 6 of you on each “side.” James, as an almost 6-year-old, I was very proud of the way you played. You were not afraid to mix it up and unlike most of the other players, you understood spacing and the importance of passing. But as you ran around the “pitch” I could tell you were getting a frustrated. The other side scored the first goal, but then YOU scored the equalizer with an assist from “Pink Shoes”, your teammate who was sporting shin guards and pink cleats. And it was a beautiful goal – with the ball sailing through the air and striking the back of the net with a swish! This moment should have been a glorious one for you, but you did not seem happy. We realized that you were slipping a little and your shins were getting a little beat up. After watching “Pink Shoes”, we all realized that you needed cleats and shin guards before the next match!
At halftime, you complained about the other team pushing you around and you pointed out one specific kid from the other team. As I watched the rest of the match, I watched this “other kid.” He was a tank. But he was no more aggressive than you. He, like you, was mixing it up. But unlike you, he was smiling a lot seemed to be enjoying himself. As the match went on, your team scored another goal. And your team had several near misses including several of your shots. Your team was on fire!
One of your teammates seemed to be in another world – spending a lot of his time looking at the ground and pulling his shirt over his head. He was not interested in the game. Unfortunately, your coach decided to put him at goalie thinking that may be of more interest. He was even more bored and left his position to be with his mom and dad. So, you had no goalie. And guess what happened. The other team scored two unanswered goals because they had a completed open net on two “counter attacks.”
You were distraught. You cried after the other team scored their second goal. And you had a hard time shaking your teammate’s hands and the kid’s hands from the other team. You were having some big emotions. However, you were not the only kid on your team having big emotions and crying. I think I heard you tell Gizzy that you told one kid on the other team that you did not like him. James, if it makes you feel any better, we as adults sometimes do not like certain people and we may not even know why we do not like them. Iris Murdoch, author of “The Sovereignty of Good” and considered one of the great philosophers of the 20th century, once said that the purpose of life was to become more virtuous. And she was good at citing examples of what it takes to become a better person. One example she used was coming out of a meeting with her teaching colleagues and realizing that she despised one of her colleagues who she found irrigating. This is like you finding the kid on the other team irritating.
When Iris got to her office she could not figure out why she did not like this colleague. And she realized that this was ruining her day. And then she realized that she could “reconsider” this person. She had free will to look at this person through a different lens. And she could choose to not play the victim in her inner narrative. She had the further realization that she could work on her inner self and her moral formation just as much as working on her career.
On the way back to the car, you and I ended up walking together ahead of the others. Because there were cars backing up and lots of people, you instinctively grabbed my hand. So, we held hands on the way back to the car. I could tell you were still mentally processing the game. You said, “I should have hit that kid.” I responded, “That would have made me sad.” “Why?” “That would have been a mean thing to do, and James, you are not a mean person”. You got quiet and we discussed it no more.
But on the way home, you kept bringing up the game. And when your mom tried to create a “teachable moment”, you would have none of it. We stopped at Chick-fil-A and got something to eat and Frozen Lemon-aids for you and Elizabeth. Because you both had colds, we could hear both of you sucking on your ice cream Lemon drinks and taking deep breaths between each long draw on your straw. It got quiet. Time and the pure goodness of your treat calmed you down. Life was pretty good again.
Thankfully, during the match I had taken a very short video. I shared it with your mom and dad – not realizing how important it would become. Only one minute long, the video captured two events that allowed your mom to create a very teachable moment. At the beginning of the video a child from the other team knocks you down. He quickly turns around and helps you up. You both act like nothing happened and continue playing. Towards the end of the video, you give the kid that you do not like a huge hip check. He falls and you go on like nothing happened. And he gets up and does the same – like nothing happened.
James, you suggested by your actions and your words that the other team was playing dirty and they were being mean to you. The evidence from the video clearly showed otherwise. For some reason, you were choosing to play the victim. If anyone was playing dirty, you could have been accused of doing so. You were not, but the kid whom you hip checked could have played the victim. He did not.
With that video, you mom used the two events in the video to teach you something. She sent the following text to me.
Thank you so much for sending poppa j. It really helped me walk through things with Jamesy. He saw how the kid from the other team checked on him to see if he was okay, and since the strong blondie from the other team ran by and he falls (near Jamesy though not a trip or push or anything) it helped show Jamesy the other kid was not “bad” or his enemy but also just loving the game and trying hard, and that he also got knocked around a bit and that that is how soccer goes.
James, I am going to borrow a phrase from you, “Can I tell you something?” You are good and you are kind. You are also competitive, intense, and passionate. Sometimes it takes seeing things through someone else’s eyes to really see what is going on. All of us see things, events, and even ourselves – especially ourselves – differently from how others see those same things. Always ask how others see things. Whether you realize it or not, you were asking me how I saw things when you made the statement that you should have hit the other kid. You were testing me. You wanted to know if I saw things the way you did. In addition, like Iris Murdoch, on occasion you might need to “reconsider” how you see another person. You have the free will to look at any person through a different lens.
Your Papa J did not have a mother or father like you to help navigate some of these big emotions. You are fortunate. As Gizzy told your mom, wouldn’t you rather have a child who is competitive and loves to play instead of the child who is not interested? Of course she would. And this is where growing up happens which includes your moral formation. If an adult had acted the way you did, it would be embarrassing. However, when a young child acts this way, it is a teachable moment. And you are a good student. I know you will learn from this. It does not mean that you will no longer have incidents like this. You will have bad days. We all do. But I have every confidence, with guidance from your parents, that these will happen less frequently, until they no longer happen. And so, I cannot wait to watch another match!
I also want to leave you with the following message – there will always be tension between winning and having fun. It is fun to win. But it is important to remember that it is also fun to just play the game. Humans love to play. Hopefully, your Papa J will “play” until the day he dies. It would be ok if I die on a tennis court, basketball court, golf course, or even running. Those things bring me so much joy. We were meant to move – and that is why we play. We do not play to win; we play to create joy in our lives. If you ever find yourself participating in a sport to win and not for the joy, you should stop. And there is joy to be found in both team and individual sports. I began playing sports for the joy of playing.
Unfortunately, I was also competitive. There is nothing wrong with that in and of itself. Being competitive can help us be even better at what we love to do. But it can also destroy your love of the game. To truly improve you need to find the joy in the sport. Because to truly get better – at anything – takes hours of practice. And so, you better enjoy it for the sheer joy of playing. Life is too short to spend hours practicing just to win. Why? Roger Federer, one of the greatest tennis players of all time, once pointed out that although he won 80% of his matches, he only won 54% of the individual points he played. This means he lost a lot. Winning does not mean you love the game more.
Unfortunately, I saw winning and losing as a measuring stick for my worth as a human being. It was tied directly to my self-esteem. If I won, I had honor and I was worthy. If I lost, I felt shame and unworthy. This is a very bad place to be. It took the joy out of the sport. I will not describe the temper tantrums I had, even as an adult, on tennis courts, basketball courts and even golf courses. I look back on those events with embarrassment. Do I still like to win? Of course I do. But I now I just love playing the game. James, like your sister, I hope you continue to love sports – not to win, but just for the love of play.
With admiration and love,
Papa J
