Happiness is a Choice

As another delightful weekend at The Homestead with wonderful long-time friends comes to an end, I feel compelled to share some wisdom from a book I read a few years ago. In fact, a friend who was with us at The Homestead a few weeks ago recommended the book – “Happiness Is A Choice You Make” by John Leland. She had heard John Leland speak at a conference on the importance of social connection. She was so impressed by his talk, she bought and read his book.  After her recommendation, I have done the same. The following is a review and some key take-always.

A writer for the New York Times, John Leland wrote “Happiness Is A Choice You Make” after a series of articles. He started with the hypothesis that growing old is horrible, and wanted to prove it by following six elderly households for a year, documenting their frailty, challenges and hardships. What he discovered during his one year with this group was just the opposite.  And his book chronicles how he slowly arrived to a belief that was totally the opposite of his hypothesis.

There is much wisdom in this book, but one of my favorites is the following, “Old age may be able to teach us how to live now.“ The author came to the above epiphany after he had been following this group for about six months. It happened while he washing dishes one night.  As he reflected on his own life, which included a divorce, he realized that one of the main reasons his marriage did not work out was because he chose to be unhappy. Instead of choosing happiness in his marriage, he chose unhappiness.
 
Here is one practical way to put “Old age may be able to teach us how to live now“ into practice. It is a thought experiment.  Imagine what it means to you to have a good life at age 75 or 85.  Once completed, work backwards and think of the steps that will get you there. Most are things that make us happier and fulfilled throughout our lives. And one of those big things is “social connection.”

Here are some key take-always from the book on Social Connection.

John Leland quotes researcher Laura Carstensen who writes, “Bad relationships may be more harmful than good relationships are beneficial” and “that finding a mate isn’t as important as keeping social ties.” And of growing old, she writes “We become what our environment encourages us to be.”  Her studies reveal that elders spend time only on people they want to see and doing things they want to do.

Swedish sociologist Lars Tornstam found that 75 percent of people 75 and older are less interested in superficial social contacts than when they were 50 and have more delight in their inner world. 

Studies reveal that seniors who feel useful to others live longer and better.

British writer Terry Eagleton says “meaning of life lies in learning how to form mutually enriching relationships, like musicians in a jazz ensemble. Love means creating for another the space in which he might flourish, at the same time as he does this for you. The fulfillment of each becomes the ground for the fulfillment of the other. When we realize our natures in this way, we become our best.”  In a good relationship, sometimes allowing the other person to do something for you, rather than insisting on doing it yourself – is also a kind of giving. True generosity includes enabling others to be generous. Old age forces us to do this. Each flourishes by giving the other what they need. And here are some rules to help you follow this advice. Accept whatever kindnesses people offer you. Don’t begrudge people who need you. Give up the obsession with self reliance.

Couples who grow old together say their marriages improve with age. They are more tolerant of small disagreements, slower to fight, more ready to forgive afterwards. 

“Elders want a network of connections – someone to eat breakfast with, someone to talk with about current events, etc. Those who build those networks throughout their lives are in a better position in old age, but it is also possible to start them later.”

In addition to spending a lot of time addressing the importance of social connection, there are other tidbits of advice and wisdom in the book that I found useful. And speaking of wisdom, I learned there are three types: cognitive (understanding life), reflective (seeing different perspectives), and emotional. Studies have found that greater wisdom corresponds with greater well-being. Therefore, older is wiser, and therefore, happier.

So, if happiness is a choice, how do we define it? Here are answers from the author and some of the people he followed for a year. Leland himself defines happiness as having a sense of purpose and worth. But Fred, age 87, says happiness is now, finding fulfillment in the present, because the future may not come.  In other words, older people live like there is no tomorrow.

Jonas, age 92, described happiness as a state of living in the present and having relations with other people.  Jonah says Happiness is having peace and balance in your life and removing anxiety about the next moment or next day.

So, if happiness is a choice, should we choose happiness? Well, if we want to live a happier life, the answer is obviously yes. What if we want to live a longer life? A long term survey in Ohio found that people who have a positive perception of aging live 7.5 years longer than people who do not. And if we are speaking of having a positive perception of aging, we need to include having a positive perception of death. The author comes to the conclusion that death is something we do, not something that happens to us – quitting is no less noble than fighting. In the end, they both turn out the same way.