The Gift Refused 4.9.21

Our fascination with the “self-made man” narrative is very American, but also very misguided. Yes, I think we should admire and raise up the “fortunates” who have demonstrated grit and perseverance in overcoming difficult circumstances, but we should also raise up and admire the people who helped those fortunates achieve success. I call those helpers “Angels.”  And if we stop and really think about our successes in life, more than likely, an Angel was involved.  No person escapes difficult circumstances alone – absolutely no one. 

Therefore, this very American narrative of the self- made man is a myth.  And in my own life, there were many Angels – the true heroes – the people who, quietly and without fanfare, helped me become a better person and who opened numerous doors for me.  However, early in my life, I truly believed in the myth of the self-made man – personified by the likes of Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, Frederick Douglas and Ray Kroc, to name a few.  And because I believed in that myth, I often sabotaged my chances of success by refusing help from Angels, who were all around me.  Part of the problem was that I had trouble expressing gratitude and love.  And it had a lot to do with shame.  And when trying to hide shame, we sometimes cloak it with pride, perfectionism, and performance, especially if you are male.  No one likes a weak man.

An example of my destructive pride occurred before I went off to college.  It involved the local Baptist church that I attended while in high school.  This church was a major influence on my life, especially during my adolescence.  And everyone in that church knew my situation – that I was dirt poor with three younger siblings, raised by a single mom on welfare.  They also suspected that I was a good kid trying to make a better life for myself, and they were very proud of what I had accomplished while in high school.  I am sure half the congregation prayed for me on a regular basis, but they wanted to give me something more tangible than prayers as I went off to college, so they took up a special offering. It was done very quietly and discreetly. I believe the church had never done anything like this before, so it was truly a special and generous gesture on their part.  

By the way, the church I attended, Mineral Baptist Church, was not a wealthy church located in suburbia, USA. This was a country church in one of the poorest counties in Virginia.  Even today, forty years later, forty percent of the kids that attend the county high school receive free lunch.  At the time, many of the congregants of Mineral Baptist owned small farms and worked in blue collar jobs.  They were not rich, but they were a generous community.

After the money was collected, the elders of the church decided that the gift should be offered to me quietly and without fanfare.  I think they suspected that as much as I loved Mineral Baptist Church for everything it had done for me, I did not want to be perceived as taking charity.  Because they were like family, they knew me well.

So, one of the church elders asked to speak to me. I respected her a great deal, partly because she was a single mom – like my own mom.  And as a single mom, she had created a good career for herself while raising three wonderful children, all of whom sang in the youth choir with me.  The conversation that followed is burned into my memory because I did something very stupid and very prideful, and to this day, am deeply ashamed of.

When she asked me to meet with her, I suspected that the Church was up to something. And I began to role play what I would say.  So, we met, and she proceeded to tell me how proud Mineral Baptist was of me for doing well in high school and going off to college. She mentioned how fond the people of Mineral Baptist were of me, including her, and how they wanted to give me a gift to help defray some of the costs of college.  She even mentioned how this had never been done before, but that I was a special person with special gifts and that in return, many people at the church wanted to help in some way.  So, she explained how the money had been quietly collected and was being offered to me with no strings attached. 

Because I had a suspicion that Mineral Baptist was going to do something like this, I had planned my response.  I planned to refuse it and that is just what I did. Yes, I refused this heartfelt gesture and incredibly gracious gift.  At first, I think she thought I did not understand the true nature of the gift. So, she repeated that this was a gift with absolutely no strings attached and that it would truly mean so much to members of the church for me to accept it.  

I loved my church family and I loved her.  So, the crestfallen look on her face almost made me reconsider.  But I was stubborn.  That is the way pride as armor works.  It not only keeps out the bad things, but pride also shuts out the good things. As this very sad exchange was playing out, I could feel myself getting sick.  I began to sweat and became irritable.  I just wanted to get out of the conversation because I knew that what I was doing was wrong. I wanted her to think that pride was causing me to refuse the gift, but I knew it was shame. I didn’t have to name it.  I didn’t have to – my soul knew.

I kept going back and forth between the self-destructive “I do not deserve this” to the prideful “I do not need this.” Obviously, neither narrative was true, but both created a deep sadness in me. By refusing this gift, I was pushing away from the community full of Angels that loved me and had nurtured me.  And even though I could not articulate it, my soul knew it.  And even though I could “feel” that what I was doing was terrible for me emotionally, and was wrong and self-destructive, I still could not make myself accept the gift.

We may ask ourselves why do people in similar circumstances exhibit this type of self-destructive behavior?  I have seen it in others, and I know most people have seen it in others as well.  All I know is that it made me very sad, and very angry.  I was angry with myself and the situation. How in the hell did I take something that should have been good and beautiful and make it destructive and sad? This was not the first time I had done this, nor would it be the last.

You see, I thought it was about me.  My reality was that “here we go again, people feeling sorry for Johnny Franklin”.  Looking back, I realized that I cheated everyone who contributed to that special and thoughtful offering the opportunity to experience true joy.  I did not know at the time that the people who gave expected absolutely nothing in return other than the absolute joy of giving.  It has taken me almost a lifetime to understand that it is just as important to receive gifts with grace as to offer gifts with grace. 

So you see, I wanted to be a “self-made man” and I believed in that myth, so much so that I was willing to refuse one of the most precious gifts ever offered to me, and in doing so, risk alienating so many good people and the special church that helped change the course of my life for the better.  Despite my selfish and ignorant response to their generosity, no one at Mineral Baptist ever said one negative thing to me about it. They were indeed a gracious and good bunch of people. 

I believed in the myth of the self-made man and I was going to make it happen.  My ego wanted it to be true and as such, I did not want anything to happen to change that world view. And as the moral psychologist Jonathan Haight would say, I wanted to be “self-righteous in the process.” My twisted moral compass believed the following: “By doing it alone I did not owe anyone anything.”

But despite my best intentions and efforts of wanting to do it alone, people did help, and it happened repeatedly.  There is a great book entitled “The Defining Decade” by Meg Jay. When she wrote the book, she was a psychology professor at the University of Virginia and most of her patients were in their 20’s.  I give it away to everyone I know who is graduating from high school and college because it is written with an intended audience of people in their 20’s and is packed full of practical and useful advice and wisdom. 

In the book, she talks about “loose connections” and how important it is to network and to build “identity capital.”  Basically, the premise is that if you invest in networking and building authentic relationships, people will look out for you and you will have a much greater likelihood of landing that coveted job and having a successful career.  But she goes even further.  She contends that you not only build “identity capital” professionally, but also socially and with yourself.  So, the book also talks about building success in personal relationships.

One Chapter in her book is devoted to “loose connections”.  The theory is that someone you may never meet will end up possibly having the greatest impact on your life. I happen to agree with her because I have seen it happen to me and to others.  Someone I had never met helped me get my first investment banking job – through a secondary connection.  But loose connections may not only help with getting the right job, but may also help in meeting the right person, who may one day become your life partner.

So, there is no such thing as the “self-made man” or “self-made woman.” If anyone claims to be such a person, they are self-delusional.  But more importantly, they are scared and deeply ashamed.  And because of that, it may be difficult for them to have healthy relationships where there is true give and take.  As I have found out over a lifetime, accepting help requires courage and grace, but asking for help, requires even more.