Letter to James 12.21.23 – Christmas and a Bag of Mandarins

James,

I write this on the plane after my Christmas visit with you and your sister Elizabeth in Boston. Twenty-five years ago, I pledged to never travel by air the week of Christmas again. However, because your mom and Dad could not make it to Virginia this year for Christmas, I broke that pledge for the first time to visit your family.

That pledge was made because of a business trip I took to Florida the week of Christmas in 1998. Due to a severe winter storm that hit the east coast, I nearly missed Christmas with my family. I did make it home – at 2 a.m. Christmas morning. And it took some creativity by the airline, which included a 7-hour bus ride from Charlotte dodging ice covered trees on the highway. It was truly surreal. So, after that trip I pledged to never travel by air the week of Christmas again. But I broke that pledge to see you and EJ.

I had a great visit that included making a gingerbread house and playing games with you, holding and hugging Elizabeth for the first time, going on a long run with your mom along the Charles River, and decorating Christmas cookies and watching UNC basketball with your dad. However, one highlight was watching old Christmas videos with you of your dad when he was a toddler. Another was going to the Christmas light show at the Stone Zoo in Boston. We stayed 2 hours. You could have walked around for four. I told your dad afterwards that watching the wonder in your eyes allowed me to see and experience the wonder.  James, thanks for that gift. It is great to be a grandparent.

This morning as I prepared to leave Boston and fly back to Richmond, we had breakfast together. I pulled a mandarin from the bag of mandarins on the kitchen table. It was spoiled with mold. So, I threw it away and grabbed one that was not. You asked why I had thrown the first one away. I pointed out the mold and said it was spoiled. You asked why is it spoiled? So many questions!  Your dad responded that it was probably due to being next to another one that was spoiled. And I quipped it only takes one bad apple to spoil the entire barrel. And then added, “you are the company you keep.” Davis and I were pleased that we had used your question to come up with a metaphor containing so much wisdom! 

Much has been written about why it is so important to surround yourself with good people. And if they are also driven and talented, even better. Most of my growth intellectually, emotionally and spiritually has been in groups of talented and good people. It is why, as you grow up, your parents will want to meet your friends and if possible, the parents of your friends. As The Road Less Travelled teaches, do not maintain relationships with people who only take from you or bring out the worst in you. Invest in relationships that are mutually positive and that bring out the best in you. Always remember that.

I grabbed another orange and began to toss it between my hands like a baseball. You asked for it.  I gave it to you, and you immediately tossed it. With my quick cat-like reflexes – actually, you tossed it directly at me – I caught it before it hit the ground. Your dad admonished you for throwing the orange and me for putting the idea in your head. He said you can bruise the fruit that way, which will lead to spoiling it. And I thought of another metaphor. Just like the mandarin orange, people will become damaged if they are bruised by others. That includes emotional, mental and physical abuse. So, treat others with respect and dignity. So, we do not want to hit or throw our fruit.  It bruises and damages them.

Just like the mandarin oranges, we need to treat others well. It is important that people are affirmed in a positive way so that they grow up loving and respecting themselves. But being bruised by others makes that harder to do. The Blue Zone Study by National Geographic found that grandparents are in a unique position to affirm their grandchildren.  So, we, like most grandparents, intend on affirming you in a positive way so that you grow up with confidence and a lot of self-love!

And because it is Christmas, this letter would not be complete if I did not mention that Jesus, during his ministry here on earth, surrounded himself with good people. And his goodness rubbed off on others. He spent most of his time ministering to those who had been bruised by others, teaching them that they were valuable in God’s eyes, thus helping them to value and love themselves. So, I think Jesus would have approved of our bag of mandarin oranges metaphor. There seems to be a lot you can learn from a simple bag of mandarins.

So, eating a mandarin with you from that bag of mandarins was great way to end a most wonderful visit with you and your family. You had asked a very good question. When we ask questions, we are often forced to think about things in a way we never thought of before. So, thanks for asking about the spoiled mandarin.

James, people really like questions that ask them to talk ABOUT themselves. They do not like WHY questions so much – especially why they believe something or why they do certain things.  But James, keep asking lots of questions. That is how you learn so much more.  Never stop. Don’t ever stop asking questions.

Merry Christmas!

With much love, Papa J