How did we get here? August 2, 2025

Elizabeth and I will have been married for 40 years next Sunday, August 10^th.  We will be celebrating that milestone with family and friends next weekend at our farm.  And the last few weeks leading up to this event has been busy, but also wonderful because Elizabeth and I have really enjoyed reading notes from people and looking at old photographs taken with our friends. And more than anything, we are grateful for the communities that we have been and are a part of. So, this celebration is as much about community as it is about marriage. Without a strong community, it is difficult to make a marriage work.

I began planning this celebration as a surprise for Elizabeth last fall when I visited Jan and Michael in Boston.  They sometimes use our farm for family get-togethers. Because we run the farm as an Airbnb, I asked them to contact Elizabeth to reserve the farm for the weekend of August 9^th and 10^th so that it would not be rented out.  With the venue secured, I waited until after the holidays to plan the rest of the event. 

After securing the caterer and band, I then started putting the invite list together.  How in the heck was I going to reach out to everyone with an invite without Elizabeth finding out? Well, somehow, I did it.  Our family and friends kept this thing secret.  Five weeks ago, when Elizabeth did suspect something, she was very deliberate about having the conversation.  In a very serious tone she said, “We need to sit down.  I need to talk to you about something.”  I immediately thought “What the heck has happened?”  Suddenly, I became a little nervous.  Elizabeth then said, “I know you are planning something.  I do not know what it is, but you need to tell me because I may not want to do it.”

Two things immediately registered.  First, I was relieved.  She was not seriously ill, and she was not having an affair. Second, I knew I had made the right decision by not telling her.  Why? Because she would not have wanted to do this.  She even admitted that if I had asked her beforehand, she would have said no.

From the very beginning, I knew she would find out before the party because Elizabeth is very curious and is always asking questions – as Leslie found out the first time they met.  But because I was so relieved that that she was not delivering bad news, I blurted out “We are going to have a 40^th Anniversary Party with our friends!”  And you can guess – she had lots and lots of questions. 

Once she recovered from the shock that this was indeed going to happen and that we might have a lot of people attending, it will come as no surprise that she immediately rolled up her sleeves and helped finalize this event.  We even had a “tasting”, which we had never done before – not even for our own wedding.  And even though it has been a lot of work, I have so much enjoyed the past 5-weeks working with my partner to make this event something very special.  So, Elizabeth, thank you, thank you, thank you.

So that is how many of our friends will be with us on Saturday.  I also want to say a few words about how Elizabeth and got to 40 years of marriage.

There have been many books written on the secret to happiness, on how to achieve career success, on good parenting, and even on what makes a successful marriage.  And I do not claim to have the secrets to any of those.  I can only speak for what has worked for me and for our marriage.  So, here is my list:

1. Low expectations
2. Not being sure
3. Talking too much
4. Stubbornness
5. Garlic

Low Expectations is living a life of gratitude. It means being grateful for what you do have. As the National Geographic Blue Zone study concluded, one of the secrets to longevity, health and happiness is outlook. Elizabeth came into this relationship with low expectations.  Even her brother told her that one day she would be living in a double wide if she married me.  And even the Dalai Lama believes that cultivating a grateful mindset and expressing it through actions “opens the heart, fosters compassion, and strengthens relationships”. That is how Elizabeth lives her life. 

Not being sure means being flexible and willing to change and adapt your worldview. As our son Davis said, “The two of you demonstrated adaptability admirably to me and my brothers. You were never dogmatic.  And although you are both stubborn at times – seeing you adapt to circumstances knowing you were stubborn demonstrated to me the importance of self-reflection.”

Talking too much means communicate, communicate, communicate. Communicate often, communicate with transparency and communicate through disagreements. This one was hard for me. But I eventually got there – healthy conflict is a game changer.

Stubbornness means having a commitment to making the relationship work. And this commitment must be shared.  I will say more on this below.

Garlic? So, it also helps if you have the same values and interests. As Alan Arkin, one of my favorite character actors once said, “You can never have too much garlic.” And Elizabeth and I very much believe this to be true.  In any recipe that calls for garlic, we will double and triple the garlic content.  We even put garlic in recipes that do not call for garlic. But we BOTH LOVE GARLIC. And many of your notes to us that we have received make it very clear that you see that Elizabeth and I share similar values and interests. 

I said I would come back to shared commitment.  Here is a poem I wrote on the subject while celebrating our 30^th anniversary in Bermuda. I was also reminded of this when we attended our friends’ 30^th Anniversary celebration on the Outer Banks.

Shared Commitment (Bermuda) 8.10.15

Sitting on the shore next to black volcanic rock 
I embrace the steady breeze and the scent of the ocean 
Crystal clear water splashes onto soft pink sand
Which feels like sugar as it runs through my fingers
Further from shore the water turns turquoise 
Until reefs turn the water a deep dark blue

This is paradise for building drip sandcastles 
With pink sand running through my fingers
It is also the perfect spot to celebrate 30 years 
Of loving, honoring and cherishing my wife
An islander asked for our secret
To thirty years of marriage

As in almost all successful endeavors
An important ingredient is shared commitment
Because we are all imperfect beings
Our relationships will occasionally falter, and with it 
The opportunity to create an even stronger bond
If a shared commitment is truly present