Growing Up Too Fast 1.3.22

Our current culture is wallowing in the shame game. But why? We do it to feel better about ourselves, sometimes feeding self-righteousness. It also gives us a feeling of having more control of our situation, making us feel safer in our environment. Often, shaming of others is fueled by anger.  But does it work?

As a child, he is close to his mom, and she is his protector.  He knows her daily routine – washing clothes, changing diapers, fixing meals.  His father, on the other hand, is a mystery. He does not know where his father goes during the day, and sometimes, his father does not come home. When this happens, the child feels a sense of relief. He is not close to his father. Temperamental, moody, and often drunk, his dad creates chaos.  And he is cruel. There is no connection, no relationship.

His dad has taken him to places – places like bars that do not feel right – where he is the only kid. Sometimes nice women come by to cheer the kid up, so he does not feel alone.  Maybe these women have children of their own. He also saw his dad do things good husbands should not do.  Maybe this is how some boys grow up believing that women are not to be respected and loved. 

I try to recall those moments, but they are gone.  Maybe pushed too far away by shame to ever get them back. I would ask myself, why is he doing this?  It made me feel awkward and alone. I somehow knew, even as a little kid, that it was not right.  So, I saw places and saw things, and even did things as a kid that people should never see or do. 

I also knew fear. And learned how to survive through that fear. Like other kids put into those situations, I grew up fast. And I learned to cope with shame and fear.

At ten years old, I became the protector – convincing my mom to leave our father for good. And I thought it was all behind me when mom finally got up the courage to leave.  Like magic, my life would change. And it did. The good news was that our crazy dad was no longer in our lives.  Well, he remained in our lives briefly. But yes, he eventually left us alone, but not before burning most of our personal possessions, which is why I have so few childhood photos.

The bad news was that we had no place to live. So, with an 8th grade education and four children to feed, mom applied for welfare. We prayed that she would qualify. She did. And it saved us. But it also brought shame. The social scientist and popular writer Brene Brown defines shame as an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”  So, that is what my childhood produced – a person who thought he was unworthy of love and belonging. 

I went from being afraid and ashamed of my dad to the fear of going hungry and the shame of not having a father and living off welfare.  And to this day, I would not hesitate in making that trade again. But shame remained. So, I coped with an abusive dad, poverty, and shame. But those coping mechanisms, especially the burden of shame, are detrimental to normal, healthy relationships.  And because of that, I would occasionally try to sabotage my own good fortunes.

Somehow, I got lucky.  Even though mom had her own issues to sort out, she loved us unconditionally. And in the 7th grade, my school bus driver told me about a bus ministry that a local Baptist church provided for kids whose parents did not attend church. So, I stumbled upon a church with a vibrant youth group and youth choir that took me in. This allowed me to develop friendships with people who had healthy familial relationships.  I watched and learned. And I copied. 

Despite a lot of racial tension, school was another environment that provided stability. But because I did not have any means of transportation or money, I did not play sports. So, I developed an interest in academics. This allowed me to take classes with the smartest, and usually most well-adjusted kids in school. 

So, this led me to do more nerdy things, like drama. Without knowing it, acting at school, and singing at church helped with speaking and self-confidence. But more importantly, drama club also led me to my future wife.  And of all the lucky breaks I got, that was by far the biggest. 

Despite these positive influences, I carried a lot of shame.  And I continued to sabotage many relationships. In high school and college, I never reciprocated when I was invited to someone’s home. I was ashamed of having no indoor plumbing. To this day I have only one good friend from high school or college. In addition, numerous poor decisions made by me could have landed me in a different place. We do make choices. But life also deals us certain cards. Sometimes we get a good hand. And sometimes we do not.  Somehow, I was dealt a lot of good hands.  

We forget sometimes that behaviors, beliefs, and norms that certain segments of society take for granted must be learned by people who grow up in very different circumstances. It is very hard to unlearn those behaviors that have been ingrained during childhood.  So very hard. I was no different. And shame is an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world. It would take me many years to unlearn many of the behaviors I learned as a kid.  And I remain a work in progress. And will always be a work in progress. 

An important life lesson I take with me from my childhood is that people who grow up under very different circumstances are not inherently stupid or bad people.  They have learned behaviors and beliefs. And they can change.  But you do not invite change by shaming. Even though I shamed myself plenty, somebody else shaming me never worked. And it will not work on anyone.  Brene Brown will tell you the same thing. You do not make friends or change a person’s mind by making them feel flawed and unworthy of love and belonging.  If anything, this will only make them dislike you more.

Instead, listen. Truly listen with the intent to understand.  As Kate Bowler articulates in her book “Everything Happens for a Reason (And other Lies I’ve Loved)”, you do not help or enlist people by trying to teach or preach to them.  You walk beside them.  And we often wrap our teaching and preaching in shame.  We sometimes do this by demonstrating, either directly or indirectly, how backward, ignorant, or stupid they are, or by demonstrating how immoral they are. 

I have become better at this “active listening” thing. But I still have this tendency to want to be right – and to teach and to preach. And I shame. And I am the last person who should do this. Right? I should know, better than most, how this makes a person feel. And here is the funny thing – half of the time I am wrong, but I want to be right or at least win the argument.  But winning the argument does not mean you are right. Trial lawyers prove this every day. 

So, maybe, if we can leave our self-righteousness behind and recognize that we are often trying to protect our self-identified tribes, who are sometimes wrong, that maybe we can listen to each other. The little kid who grew up full of shame will tell you that shaming each other will not work. He will tell you that being heard and being loved opened his heart, and that gave him the courage to become vulnerable and to open his mind.