Creating and Using Social Capital 12.16.25

At our annual Christmas dinner with dear friends from our old neighborhood, we eventually get around to giving updates on our children. Our oldest son Davis is a second year head basketball coach at Monticello High School. And I did a little bragging on him in two ways. 

First, he led Monticello to its best season ever during his first year as head basketball coach. But secondly, and more important to me is his approach to coaching. And as I told our friends, I am not even sure he would articulate it the way I would. I described it as follows. He is first and foremost a mentor. He is then a teacher. And finally, a basketball coach. In other words he sees his primary role as not winning basketball games, but being a positive role model for his players and teaching them valuable life lessons and skills like selflessness and resiliency.  I felt that I had described his approach accurately.

This year the Monticello Basketball team is starting out well with a 3-0 record. And I could not wait to chat with Davis about his new team during our upcoming annual family Christmas Stay at The Homestead. But before we all convened in the Allegheny Mountains of Western Virginia, Davis had another game that Friday against district opponent Fluvanna. To make a long story short, the Monticello Mustangs were down by 24 points at the start of the final 8-minute quarter and ended up winning the game in overtime to go 4-0. For those of you not familiar with basketball, this is a true miracle comeback. No team goes 7 for 8 from behind the 3-point line, much less outscoring your opponent 30-6 in the final quarter with no shot clock. But Davis’ team did so for the greatest comeback in school history. So, we had even more to talk about when we saw each other on Saturday. 

I relayed to Davis my description of his approach to the program. He thought for a moment and said, “You kind of have it right.” I was curious to know what I got wrong. And he said the following, which was so insightful. “Dad, for me to be an effective mentor and teacher, I have to win basketball games. The kids will not listen to me unless we win. And the comeback win on Friday night continues to build the credibility I need for my players to accept what I am trying to teach.” 

He is so right. Unless he wins, he cannot be an effective mentor and teacher. He has to develop credibility. Another word for credibility is social capital. Because of his increased social capital, he has more players and better athletes trying out for the team than last year. But even so, they come in with certain values that lead to specific expectations and attitudes. So, Davis has to somehow mold these young men into a functional and effective team. And this happens by each player buying into his system. And this only happens if his system produces wins. So, no matter how good of a mentor and teacher he is, he has to know his basketball X’s and O’s. He has to be a very good basketball coach, and he needs to win.  And to Davis’ credit, he has worked very hard at knowing and teaching the game of basketball. He has taken no short cuts. Once again, one of my sons has taught me something. 

How do we develop social capital and why is it important? As Davis explained to me, one of the most important ways of developing social capital is by becoming extremely good at what we do. If I ever write a book, it will never be widely read. However, if someone who has notoriety writes a similar book (and that similar book may have no better stories or wisdom than my book), that book has a very good chance of being widely read. And that is because the author has built up social capital by being very, very good at what they do, whether as a successful athlete, business person, entertainer, politician, philanthropist, or even through previous writings. And most of these people have worked very hard to develop their craft. And that level of achievement buys them an enormous amount of social capital. 

So, if we want social capital, one way to achieve this is to become very good at what we do. This creates credibility and a chance to influence. Davis was teaching me that. And once you have that, you can use that social capital – hopefully for good. And that is why it is important to have it. But having social capital creates much responsibility. In a recent blog I noted that many of us today, especially many young people are susceptible to “Apocalyptic thinking” – living your life in constant stress – treating most micro events and macro events as if they were emergencies that must be addressed right away. And this is where how we use OUR social capital is very, very important.

David French articulates the importance of social capital in a recent article in the NYT. He does not call it social capital. But what he describes is social capital. He points out that generations before us helped build hope and resiliency in future generations. And that our generation has failed our young people by not doing so. He states, “I’m sorry that we turned against our own friends and neighbors and allowed political animosity to corrupt our hearts. I’m sorry that you grew up awash in images and rhetoric that we couldn’t handle ourselves.”

As we all know, our teenage and early adult years are filled with adversity without perspective. “It’s hard to place your own experience in a larger context when you haven’t yet experienced that context. I can think of times when I lost perspective, when my words went too far. Partisanship was corrosive to my soul.”

We also know that Animosity breeds hyperbole and vice versa. Now, combine that lack of perspective and greater hyperbole with smartphones and social media, and you’ve got a recipe for a nonstop sense of alarm.  This false sense of emergency or “Apocalyptic Thinking” is creating a real crisis. 

And the following by my favorite blogger sums up how social media is adding to or even creating this “Apocalyptic Thinking.”

“When the internet was young, people often chose to filter themselves online. We didn’t know who was on the other end of the pipe, and we knew it would be there forever. And typing feels more permanent and official than speaking…

Over time, the social media algorithms rewarded people who were guttural, hurtful, profane and, to use an overused and inefficient word, “authentic.” And so it flipped.

Now, social media is filled with amped-up rants that pretend to be unfiltered, and the standard for discourse is quickly eroding. There’s plenty of data to confirm that we’re spewing words and ideas that would never be tolerated in person, with friends.

Why should our standard for public behavior be lower than it is for the people we know?”

French uses the following story to illustrate one of the dangers of apocalyptic thinking. All of a sudden the plane you are in experiences some turbulence. But you interpret the plane’s jolting as someone taking control of the cockpit. In other words, you think the plane is being hijacked. But what happens if you charge the cockpit, incapacitate the pilot, take the controls and realize the plane wasn’t being hijacked; it was only experiencing turbulence? Well then you’re now flying a plane you don’t know how to fly, and you’ve created your own emergency.

French goes on to say, “As adults and parents, our generation (sic) created the belief that our country and our world is collapsing because we proved vulnerable to the charlatans, conspiracists and conflict entrepreneurs who benefited from breaking our brains and hardening our hearts. Previous generations were better than this. The result is that as young people our generation (sic) learned to approach the problems of the moment with determination, not despair. Problems are real, but hope endures.”

A recent discussion by a respected news organization with 11 young people in their 20’s was published this week. The results of that discussion is another reminder that TikTok and other social media greatly shape young people’s perceptions. This includes their opinions on institutions, America’s place in the world, the idea of the American dream and on what distinguishes their generation from others.

The following question was asked? “ Do you think there are aspects of a meaningful life that it feels like it’ll be hard for Gen Z in particular to attain?” And a common theme to their answers was not being in family and not having children with the following answer encapsulating this theme very well, “A sense of family. I think we grew up being surrounded with more individualism. Many people don’t really want kids. Going on social media, nobody wants kids.”

So, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, “…here is the final reason to avoid Apocalyptic thinking. By avoiding Apocalyptic thinking, we send a message to the next generation that they do have a future, and we equip them with the understanding and wisdom that will serve them across decades. This allows them to play the long game, which is the only game worth playing.” And that long game includes a sense of purpose, of agency, of self respect and love, and most importantly, meaningful connection with others.

As any good parent will tell you, being a parent teaches you that YOU are NOT the center of everything. You have no choice but to serve. And if you take parenthood seriously, you know that it is your responsibility to teach your children resiliency, respect for others, no matter their station in life, and to be responsible citizens of not only the United States, but of the world. This is the long game. But the cement that holds all of this together is Hope. And many in our generation have the social capital to instill in future generations a message of hope. Unfortunately, as David French states, “What our generation should be sorriest about is that we taught the young people of today to despair.”

The legacy of previous generations before us was a message of hope, no matter how dire the circumstances. Because of social media and our current political environment, one can argue that it is much more difficult for our generation to deliver that message of hope. However, that does not relieve us of the responsibility to do so. And for those of us who have actually developed some credibility, some social capital, the responsibility is even greater. 

This system is not perfect. Some of us have social capital that is probably not deserved, while others of us have used our social capital to deliver a message of despair instead of hope. There are some very good coaches in Davis’ league who are winning who are not good role models and teachers. My hope is that for those of us who have worked hard and do have social capital, that we do use it to criticize what needs to be criticized, but do so with an underlying message of hope. 

Whether we want it or not, many of us have more social capital than we realize. And the more social capital we have attained, the more responsibility we have to use it for good.