All You Need Is Love – July 3rd, 2023

I left like I had been punched. I sat there on the couch, at first too numb from the shock of the news to register any emotion. And then, as the numbness began to wear off, I began to cry.

That evening when I heard the news that my youngest brother Keith had been in a serious auto accident, I was at my girlfriend’s house. At that point Elizabeth and I had been dating for five years and would eventually get married.  I was working in Washington D.C. and she had just finished her junior year in college. Keith had just finished his sophomore year at James Madison University. 

Keith and I had always been close. Although we were only three years apart, it seemed more. This was due to several factors. Our mom left our father when I was 10 years old. Keith was the youngest and I the oldest. We had another brother and a sister between us. And finally, because of our family situation, I was forced to grow up fast, which made me very protective of others, especially of my youngest brother, who I treated as a protege. So, I provided a lot of advice and guidance to him.

On one of my trips home during the fall semester of my junior year I asked Keith where he was going to college. He said that he was not planning on going. Like our brother and sister and most of the kids who graduated from our high school, he planned to work right away.

Keith saw no way of swinging it financially. Unlike me, his grades were not good enough to earn academic scholarships. And he saw that even with those scholarships, I still had to borrow and work. It was not easy. College for me was like a job where the pay and benefits sucked. So, it was not very appealing to Keith.

Our other two siblings had no plans of going to college and never did. And that was probably the right decision for them. However, Keith needed to attend college, but no one was helping him figure it out. So, I gave him advice and counseling – if you call taking him by the scruff of the neck and telling him that if he did not go to college he was throwing his life away! And so he applied, got accepted to a small liberal arts college, made good grades and eventually transferred to James Madison University. It meant taking out loans, working and being frugal, but he was doing well.  And then I got the news.

Like me, he was working hard to make a better life for himself. What made the fact that he had wrecked the car even more emotional for me was that the car was mine. He had borrowed it to go to a friend’s house for the evening. Several months earlier I had hydroplaned in that same car one night on my way back to Washington D.C. Although the accident happened in the rain on a busy interstate, the spin-out involved no other vehicles and miraculously, the car had landed in a ditch with very little damage! So, as I sat there wondering if my brother was alive, I was also feeling responsible. And there it was – the guilt. I would have to deal with that singular emotion many times with my brothers and sisters. I did not know the term at the time, but it would lead to co-dependency.

I would find out later that night that he would suffer no permanent injuries. But it gave me a preview of what it must be like to be a parent and to have a child suffer, or to think that you may have lost a child – and the feelings and emotions that accompany those events. Keith and I remained close and are now close again. But during those intervening years, we had some very rocky periods. He made questionable decisions that almost tore our relationship apart. And life has thrown him some curve balls. And although we love each other dearly, those decisions and the consequences put a strain on our relationship. And although we are very close again, I had to make some heart wrenching decisions regarding that relationship. And those decisions produced a lot of guilt. I finally came to terms with those emotions. But it was hard….because I loved him and still love him very much.

All you need is love. We have been told this so many times and in so many ways that many of us believe it to be true. It would be nice to think so. And it would make life so much easier…. so much simpler.  But life is not simple. Life is difficult. And let’s be honest – life … is complicated.  I do not want to imply that love is not important – quite the contrary. Without our love for each other, my brother and I would not have the relationship that we now hold dear. But love was not enough to create that relationship. We needed more than love. And each of us needed to come to that understanding in our own ways.

There is a Christian hymn that I used to sing as a youth. The lyrics tell us that “In the sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful shore”.  So, how do we get to that beautiful shore? Will love alone get us there? Will Keith and I get to that same shore through love alone. I do not believe so. And we will take different routes.

We can think of that shore as a safe harbor that will protect us once we arrive. But getting there is not easy. Like a ship navigating the sea, life’s storms, rocks and reefs act as obstacles. But like lighthouses that help guide ships, we do have something to guide us. And that something IS love.  Like a ship trying to find a safe harbor in the night, we stand little chance of navigating life’s trials and tribulations safely without love. Love is our beacon. Love is our guide. And love will show us the way. 

One definition of love “is the will to act to further one’s own or another’s spiritual development.”  This does not mean that an act of love must lead directly to spiritual development. For example, as a parent to a baby, our actions out of love do not lead directly to the baby’s spiritual development. However, they do keep the baby safe and provide an environment so that the baby can become a young person who can develop spiritually and become a good citizen of the world. And so, you can see how the concept of love using the definition I describe becomes our beacon – our lighthouse. 

But this is where love alone is not enough. You need more than love. We are all captains of our own ships. And as captains, we need the courage, the wisdom, and the emotional skills, using that lighthouse as our guide, to reach our safe harbors. And learning what those are and how to use them is in some ways, more difficult than following the lighthouse. But this is what a good friend or good sibling must do. And it is especially important as a parent, using love as our guide, that we teach these concepts to our children. 

I now have three sons. Each is different. And I love each one dearly. I have had to make difficult decisions with each of them that, on the surface, may not appear loving. And I have banged into a rock or two due to those decisions. I can only hope that my mistakes were not fatal. I do not think they have been. But who knows?  I have done my best. And as my sons raise their own children, I do hope that they understand that sometimes, love alone is not enough.