A letter on Noise and Joy 2.2.26

This is my second attempt at this letter. The first draft I took down because it lost its point. This is why I should never publish first drafts of anything I write.

Dear James and Liza Jean,

Yesterday your dad called and put the two of you on video.  You were both dancing and bouncing up and down on the couch while wearing dancing outfits that included tutus. You were both so full of joy.  I am so grateful that your mom and dad encouraged this and invited your Gizzi and me to be a part of it.  For some reason, it seems more fun when you do this with others.

Watching the two of you reminded me of the days when my siblings and I would do the same thing on our parents’ bed. The difference is that we were not encouraged by our dad to do so.  In fact, if he found out about it, we usually got a whipping.  But the sheer joy of jumping on the bed was too tempting. So, we would risk the whipping later.  As much as Dad tried, he could not steal our joy. Unfortunately, he would find other ways to still our joy as we became older. But that is another story.

James, today you made me realize that there are more subtle ways to steal a person’s joy.  While Gizzy and I laughed at you and your sister’s shenanigans, you attempted to put on a tiara that you were pretending to be a crown. I said something or maybe the tone of my laugh caused you to change your demeanor. You suddenly became more self-conscious. I encouraged you to put the crown on and you did so.  But the magic was gone.  I had stolen your joy.

After the call, I told Gizzy that I need to pay more attention to how I communicate with my grandchildren. I was very sad because of what I had done.  Now that I am older, wiser and a grandfather, I pay more attention to how my words and actions impact others. Unfortunately, I did not yet have that awareness and wisdom as a father.  So, I probably did some of things as a father that may have stolen my children’s joy.  But like all parents, none of us are perfect. 

James, now that you are five years old and going to pre-school, you have become much more aware of how others perceive you.  And this also means that you are being influenced by those around you.  That is a good thing – for the most part.  Social skills are one of the most important predictors of health, happiness and success.  However, there is a flip side to this.  If we are not careful, we can let others steal our joy.  And because both you and your sister are so tender-hearted, my biggest concern is that you may let others steal your joy.

In an interview recently Oprah Winfrey (you may hear or read about her one day) made the following statement when asked what she would do differently during her fight with weight gain.  She said, “I would not let the noise of the world steal my joy.”  And I have decided to let that be one of my mantras for this year.  And I hope it becomes my mantra for the rest of my life. And I want you and Liza Jean to adopt this now – not when you are older like me. Why?  Because it will save you so much needless suffering as you grow older.

Joy is a precious gift—an inner light that brings meaning and satisfaction to our lives. And it is cultivated from within. I am going to repeat this – your joy is cultivated from within. In a world that can be chaotic and unpredictable, protecting this joy is an act of self-care and empowerment. Too often, other people’s words, actions, or attitudes can threaten to diminish our sense of happiness. But with intention and awareness, you can learn not to let anyone steal your joy.  Much of the information, stories and narratives in the world focus on the negative.  And much of that gets internalized causing people to focus on the negative. And because misery does love company, they often try to pull others down into their pool of pessimism. Do not let this happen. Instead become the lifebuoy of hope and joy in their pool of despair. Happiness is a choice. 

You have so many opportunities ahead of you. And I for one will work on not stealing your joy in the future.  However, I also want each of you to learn to not let others steal your joy.  Both of you call me your “Silly Papa J.”  I am silly because it brings me so much joy, especially being silly around you.  One of the greatest gifts that each of you give me is giving me permission to be silly.  Your dad and uncles gave me permission to do this for a long time.  And then they became teenagers. But now, at times, they still allow me to do this, even in public – like doing the “Daddy Dance.”  I plan to bring this public spectacle out again with the two of you when Gizzy and I take you to Disney World in April.  But now it will be renamed the “Papa J Dance.”

One of my biggest wishes, as you age -especially as teen-agers, is that you still appreciate your Papa J’s silliness. In some ways, as I become older, I stop caring as much about what other people think because I now know who I am and I have accepted it.  I AM a poor kid from the other side of the tracks. I am also a flawed human being. But I am also a passionate human being – about things like fairness, equal opportunity, personal responsibility, and dignity for all human beings. And I am ok with not being the person who others want me to be.

The two of you, as young children, also do not care what other people think because you do not know who you are – or rather, who you are supposed to be.  As the celebrated poet Maya Angelou said, “You alone are enough, you have nothing to prove to anybody.” Here is the trick – care what others think – up to a certain point.  You, like the rest of us, have a social contract with everyone around you.  Honor that.  But also think for yourself, be open to new things, and always try to see the world as others see it, even if you do not agree with their vision. But most of all, bring joy to yourself and to those around you. And do not let the noise of the world steal your joy…

The following – written by Greg Brown and sung by Seth Avett – remind me of both of you.

Tender hearted child
You make me laugh out loud
I see you come a’runnin
I can pick you out of any crowd

Following your own direction
And doing things your way
Full of such emotion
You never want to call it a day

Well, you laugh when you are happy
And you cry when you are sad
You go off to your dream place
And you yell when you are mad

May you learn to stay open
Even when you are feeling riled
May your love never fail you
Tender hearted child

Please stay this way as long as you can…